What Story Are you Relating To?
Hi Everyone, Here’s the newest blog post on Gina’s website at
WHAT STORY ARE YOU RELATING TO?
We bring a story into nearly every moment, and that affects how we experience that moment and how we respond. If the story is “I hate washing the dishes” and we are washing the dishes, then our experience of washing the dishes is affected by that. The same is true for relationships. We have stories about our loved ones, such as: “You don’t care about me.” “You’re not attractive enough for me.” “I can’t live without you.” “I need someone more exciting.” “I’m not rich enough for you.” “I can’t see myself with you.” You know what these stories are because they are what you might share with a friend or someone else you’re close to. These stories, the more they are repeated and reinforced, interfere with being present to the people we love, and they are never the whole truth. Rather than responding to our loved ones purely, we let our view of them or our relationship—our story—affect how we react to them. This is going on most of the time unconsciously. We aren’t naturally aware of our stories or examine them until, perhaps, they cause so much trouble that we are forced to.
Our stories about loved ones are created by the ego to strengthen it—to make it look good or maintain its beliefs about itself—so they are nearly always detrimental to relationships. The ego tends to spin negative stories about others, not positive ones. Replacing these negative stories with positive ones—or no story at all—can transform our relationships. For instance, what if your story about your partner was that he or she is the perfect one for you? This is often the story we tell in the beginning of a relationship, but soon the ego begins spinning its negative stories, which are essentially complaints about the other person not complying to our conditioning, fantasies, and desires. We paint the other in a negative light, not because that person isn’t right for us, but because he or she isn’t fulfilling our ego’s dreams and desires.
There’s a big difference between being with the right person and being with the person your ego considers to be the right person. Many of us are with exactly the right person, but our egos don’t think so! Is the ego right? What exposes the ego as an unworthy judge of this is that it finds fault with everyone, after its idealizations have fallen away. The ego won’t ever be happy with who you are with, so it’s best not to base your assessment of your partner on its assessment. It’s in the business of judgment, not love.
Many are in very difficult relationships, and even these are exactly the experience they are meant to have, for the time being anyway. Even an abusive relationship may be the experience we need to wake us up and help us see that we don’t deserve this treatment and get out of it and never make that mistake again. Every relationship we have leads to growth. We are changed by it, in a good way. We learn about ourselves and don’t make the same mistakes again, which makes it more likely the next relationship will be more successful.
To get the most out of the relationship you are in, it won’t be helpful to listen to the ego’s stories about it. They will only keep love from you. The ego’s stories bring separation and conflict. Essence would tell a different story about your loved one than the ego does. What might Essence’s story be? It would probably be something like “This person is in my life for me to love to the best of my ability. Let’s see what happens if I do that.” As Essence, we are here to serve others and to serve life. The ego, on the other hand, is all about serving itself. When we bring the demands and conditions of the ego into our relationships, we always fail. Love can’t survive in an environment of judgments and demands. It needs an environment of acceptance and the willingness to allow others to grow and develop and be as they are meant to, just as a parent would try to provide this for a child. This is great service—to be there for others, to support their growth, to support them in their trials, and to celebrate life with them.
Other people are the companions we (the Oneness that we are) have given ourselves on this journey. If we listen to the ego, others will feel more like adversaries than like another aspect of our own true Self. What if you really knew that the other was an aspect of your own Self, given to you to challenge and support you in your evolution? And given you to love? It’s up to us to take the opportunity to love and not listen to the tales the ego spins.
